Today I felt fear. A feeling of fear like I have never felt before. I was terrified. As I think back on my life, I cannot remember a time I have ever...ever been terrified. It was only for a few minutes, but it felt like an eternity. Although, the moment has passed and it has now been several hours since, I am still feeling the effects of it.
Today we went to the Children's Museum. You, me, Owen and GiGi. You were so excited to see the dinosaurs and I was excited for you! We made our way through all the different rooms and you were having such a great time. Lots of smiles. Lots of laughing. And lots of running around absorbing all that was to see and touch. I was with you and GiGi was with Owen. You both are always running in opposite directions.
I was trying not to hover (but, I probably was) while letting you fully experience the museum. However, it was super busy at the museum today, there were just a ton of kids there. LOTS of school and daycare groups. It was making me a little nervous. You have no fear. You talk to everyone, play with anyone and run from one thing to the next with no clue as to where your mommy is. As I think back, I was hovering. There were just too many kids for me not to do so.
We were all in this one room dedicated to China. We had been there for awhile when you started playing behind these curtains. I was standing right there playing peek-a-boo with you. GiGi and Owen walked up and I bent down to take Owen's picture. I then called out your name and you didn't answer. This is nothing new...you quite often don't answer when I call your name. I looked behind the curtains and you were not there. I started calling your name and looking around the room...I could not find you and you were not answering my calls to you.
Fear. Fear shot throughout my body. Grandma and I split up to look for you and by now we were yelling your name. I couldn't find anyone museum workers to help me (convenient) and it was so busy. Now I was getting terrified. I felt nauseous and tears were welling up in my eyes. A few other mothers saw this fear and heard me yelling your name and offered to help us look for you. "What does he look like...what is he wearing?", they asked. I couldn't believe I was having this conversation! Grandma headed into the little town room and I headed to the water/bubble room. I honestly did not think I would find you there because that room was so far from where we had been.
As I was approaching the door and absolutely "freaking out" by now, it felt like hours that I had been looking for you. There you were!! THANK GOD! You did not see me yet. You were carrying a piece of paper and saying to yourself, "Mommy, I drew you a picture". I swooped you up in my arms and hugged you so tight. We went off in the corner and had a big talk about what had just happened....all of which I know you don't understand. But, you will, someday you will understand Mommy's fear. You will come to understand better what (and why) Jack can and cannot do. In the meantime, I will hover, at the right times, of course.
I love you, Jack.
I love you more than all the bees in the hive.